days gone by

i've been pretty down the past days. well, i can actually say i've been down for the past years. i try to be happy, do happy things, clear my mind of that which makes me sad, but the pain still catches up no matter what. i don't exactly, but i kinda miss my dad, despite being the jerk he was. i miss korean food everyday. i miss hanging out with my hyungs (elder brother) paul and kenny. i feel so detached in the philippines, people assume a lot. i can, but at the same time i can't speak filipino all the time. it's already painful that there's no one to speak to in korean that doesn't think i'm a kpop fan, and it's just as hard to find someone i can converse with in English that doesn't think i'm trying to be cool or anything. 

there's so much i want to say, but i know nobody's listening. i feel so alone, but i have to survive here. 

i'm kinda learning the hard way how this guy i was going out with was playing me. right now i don't know where we are. he said that i should be patient. he spends most of his time with his non-chinese girlfriend - i hope they get married because i'll be very disappointed that he threw me aside for such a waste of time. he said it really hurts him that i'm not a girl, and his family expects him to marry. but his family won't let him marry non-chinese, that i'm sure of. so if he's going to be disowned by his family, i don't get why he chose her instead of me. i don't know. am i just bitter? all they do is fight, and we almost always have happy times together. i don't understand why i wasn't the better option, if he were going to go against his family's wishes.

also, even before we started going out, people have been whispering that he's gay. people think he's gay more than they think i'm gay, even if i'm the weirder person. people have been telling me about his supposed playboy ways, toying around with guys around school. it's okay with me, i accept that part of him. but now he's left me hanging onto an imaginary cliff. 

i don't know what to do.